The Stand Off

Parenting is a learning journey. In preparation for HG's arrival in our family, I have done SO much reading--preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. If nothing else comes out of this lengthy process, it prompted me to learn to be a better mommy to our girls (and gave me PLENTY of time to do it!). Yes, I know that HM and HV desire to have me at my best, but I thought I was already a pretty good Mom (note sarcasm here).
My girls learned long ago that Mommy means business. On Sunday after a short trip to WalMart on our way home from church for homemade pizza ingredients, HV and HM were fighting about who would ride with me and who would ride with J (I know, 2 cars is weird, but it's how we typically go to church). I told the girls that they could work it out or that I would. Needless to say, both were directed to ride with me. :( HV decided she was angry and she refused to put on her seatbelt. Here's our dialog after that:
Me: I removed my key from the ignition and said, "I cannot drive this car unless you put on your seatbelt. I could get a ticket from the police for that and I do not have the money to pay the ticket. AND it's not safe. So, just take your time, HV. I'll wait until you can get your seatbelt on."
5 minutes.
10 minutes.
15 minutes pass.
I, of course, wanted to jump out of my skin and scream "GET THE SEAT BELT ON--NOW!"
But, I didn't.
I just kept saying, "I know that putting on your seatbelt can be difficult. I do hope you are able to remember how to do it soon. Just take your time. I'll wait here with you." Yes, I know she knows how to put on her seatbelt and I know she thought I was crazy for suggesting that she forgot. But, sometimes humor, I think, works best to point out the obvious, especially with a charged-up kiddo.
HM is also wanting to scream at HV, but I guess she was following my lead and remained very quiet (which, if you know HM, is quite major for her to ever be quiet).
Finally, 20 minutes later, I hear a quiet little "click" on the backseat.
HM says, "Ok, Mom. She did it."
As I turn around to check, HV puts her hand back on the receiver (I don't know what that part is called--the buckle??) and gives me a small grin.
Me: "I'm glad that you were able to remember how to put on your seatbelt. I knew you could do it. Now, if you are going to unfasten the seatbelt, I still cannot drive. It must be fastened.
Are you going to undo the seatbelt?" No smile or grin back from me.
HV: She just looks at me. No talking/response.
And we sit again.
Me: I let probably one minute pass and I say to her, "Lovie, in case you have forgotten the question, I have asked if you are going to leave the seatbelt fastened or are you going to undo it? I cannot drive if you are going to undo it."
HV: mumbles something which I cannot understand or hear
Me: "I cannot understand you. If you want to say something to me, I need to hear it again."
HV: silence
Me: "Lovie, in case you have forgotten the question, I have asked if you are going to leave the seatbelt fastened or are you going to undo it?"
HV: "I don't want to go for a walk."
Me: "Well, we aren't talking about a walk right now. We are talking about your seatbelt. Are you going to leave it buckled or not?" I'm also thinking: From where did that about the walk come?
HV: "Yes, but I don't want to go for a walk."
Me: I start the car and head out of the parking lot. "Thank you, HV, for wearing your seatbelt and being safe. I appreciate it."
Within 2 traffic lights from the WalMart parking lot, I hear:
HV: "Mom, how far is it to River Legacy Park? You know, how far would we walk if we went there and back?"
Me: "About 5 miles."
HV: "Oh, ok. Do we have time today to do that? It's really nice outside and it would be a good walk."
And so, the stand off and the issue with the walk ended. The issue obviously was not about the seatbelt or the walk. It was about not getting her way with where she had to ride. It's about testing to see if Mommy will hold up her word, even if it means waiting for 1/2 hour in the WalMart parking lot. Ah, yes, HV. Mommy will hold true.
We didn't end up walking to River Legacy Park because we didn't have enough time before it got dark but we did start out on a longer-than-usual walk (usual walk = 2 miles and we were on our standard neighborhood route for 3 miles). The rain began, however, and cut that short.
HV loves to read outloud with me. We typically take turns reading chapters in a book outloud to each other while the other one crochets. After the rained-out walk, we sat down to finish up our book. HM came into the room with her crochet things too after we had already started. We interrupted our reading to get her settled (you know, no asking questions about the book since we only have 2 chapters left and you won't know what's going on, etc.). HM asks me a question but at the same time,
HV says "I'm sorry for being a jerk today."
HM finishes her question to me and then says, "HV, what did you say about a jerk?"
HV repeats, "I'm sorry for being a jerk today."
HM: "Who are you talking to?" just to make sure that she is talking to both of us.
HV: "Both of you. I'm sorry for being a jerk today."
HM: "It's ok, sissy."
Me: "Thank you, HV, for apologizing. You just have to remember to use your words instead of throwing a fit. That doesn't tell anyone anything. Grunting and pointing don't typically work, but words typically do."
HV: "I know. And I was being a jerk." with a smile.
Me: smiling back, "Yes, darling. You were."
As I tucked her into bed that night, I told her how proud I was of her for apologizing for her behavior earlier today. I told her that it was rather "big" of her to do that and reminded her how easy it is to just use your words.
She's learning. HM, while she was only indirectly involved with the exchange surrounding the whole Stand Off, is learning too. Little by little. Step by step.
But see, I'm learning too. Little by little. Step by step. My "old" approach would have been to scream at HV, telling her to get her seatbelt on. I would have told her how ridiculous this was that she is refusing to do this. HV is, after all, my oldest and typically my most compliant child, right? Ha! God can use her to help teach me and mold me too!
And then that leads me to think about God and how patient He is with me. How many times have I refused to "put on my seatbelt?" And He waits. He continues to show His love to me. And He waits for me. I'm bending. I'm shaping. I'm changing too.